Hi,

I would post this question to the adopted tribe. There are more people there who can give their experiences in how they learned they were adopted.

Since I was internationally adopted, there was a point when I started askng why my parents didn't look like everyone else while we were living in Taiwan. They would respond that I was adopted and that I was very special because I was chosen to be part their family.

Hello all. New to the tribe. Glad I found you and hope to contribute a unique perspective, that of an adult adoptee.

I have faced more issues regarding my adoption in my adult life than I did when I was a child. As I get ready to celebrate my 36th birthday, I have yet to find my biological parents and the answers that swirl perpetually in my mind and my psyche.

My adoptive parents told me at a very young age (when I was young enough to understand) that I was adopted. I have always felt fortunate to be raised by my adoptive parents. They made me feel like I was special to have been adopted and treated me as they did their own biological children. I grew up in a pretty functional nuclear family and am grateful to have received the love I did from my parents, siblings, and extended family.

However, no amount of love has replaced the emptiness that I feel as an adoptee. Recently, I read the book, "Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier. It is an incredible book written by an adoptive parent who is also a psychotherapist dealing primarily with members of the adoption triad. The most important lesson I learned, having read her book, is that all adoptees suffer what is called the "primal wound" - the act of separation from their birth mother whom they were physically and psychologically connected to for 9 months. Though unconscious, nevertheless, adoptees first experience in life is a traumatic one and many adoptees suffer throughout their lives as a result. Verrier recommends adoptive parents acknowledge this separation and realize that regardless, it is impossible to substitute to the biorhythms of a biological parent. I recommend ALL adoptive parents read this book. It truly is enlightening.

As adults, many adoptees have abandonment issues and difficulties creating bonds with others. In my case, an emptiness has persisted throughout life. My biggest frustration has been NOT KNOWING and being completely CUT OFF from knowing my biological history.

Therefore, I think openness is incredibly important in adoption.

I am not advocating your adoptive children have full blown relationships with their biological parents necessarily, but I DO advocate them having that CHOICE when they are old enough to make it. Granted, there are situations in which your child is better off not having a relationship with (at least on a personal level) his/her birth parents (ie, in situations where they are drug addicted/abusive/psychologically unsound, etc.). In these cases, again HONESTY is imperative (when your children are old enough to understand the facts about these issues).

Here's what I believe is important for adopted children to have:
non-identifying information (ethnicity, medical history, the story behind their adoption)
pictures or video of their biological families if possible
letters from their biological families (again, depending on content)
anything that would enable them to get to know these people without compromising your relationship with the child.
the CHOICE to obtain information and search for their birth parents when they become adults (without having to jump through hoops, hire private investigators, and spend a FORTUNE on the search)

whew.
OK.
Can you tell I've spent a lot of time delving into this subject matter lately?
Birthdays are always hard.

I just wanted to say, that I have the utmost respect for those of you who adopt. I think it is an amazing thing you are doing for these children. I look forward to your unique perspectives.

peace
Bridget