Advertisement
That's not my question, it's a question I've had from others. My partner and I are planning on starting the adoptin process after I finish grad school. We are a lesbian couple and I totally expected to have complete understanding from the gay community about our desires to adopt. But more often than not, we are asked "Why don't you want to have your own? You could get a sperm donor you know." This question infuriates me. I don't understand why people value genetically related children over adopted. Like adopted children are a second choice.
My question is has anyone else had a similar experience?
My question is has anyone else had a similar experience?
posted by:
|
Unsubscribed |
Advertisement
Advertisement
-
Re: Why not just have your own?
Wed, September 28, 2005 - 8:55 AMI haven't had this question asked to me, but I've heard it many times and seen the reaction it takes on the person. I can understand why it would infurate you, mainly because there are so many children out there looking for a home... so why is it that we put them last after our own greed for our 'own' children. Blah....
So.. I'm gonna preach here a little so you really dont have to read the end of this, but..... I highly HIGHLY recommend doing an open adoption. I dont mean to be annoying about this its just that I can't imagine a closed adoption being not dramatic to the child once they find out. The organization I went through is very open and excited to help gays have children too (which is an open adoption center).
So now that I got that out of my system... I think the reason why people value genetically related children is probably because there is a certain kind of connection that they think you cant get in an adoption. My believe follows a saying I once read about what it means to be adopted.... you grow inside your mommys heart instead of her tummy. *hops down off of my soap box* ok I'm done, just wanted to put in my two cents. -
-
Unsu...
Re: Why not just have your own?
Wed, September 28, 2005 - 7:38 PMThanks for your reply. What exactly is the difference between open and closed adoptions? We're looking at the Fost/Adopt program (I don't know if other states besides California have it). This children are considered high ristk and hard to place and bio parents have given up all rights. We know a gay male couple who went throught that program and their boys are beautiful and amazing and the state provides them so much support. -
-
Re: Why not just have your own?
Thu, September 29, 2005 - 7:45 AMWow that sounds like such a great program and great potential to help kids. As far as open and closed adoption goes.. a closed adoption is where the child is not allowed to see the birth parents and the birth parents aren't allowed to contact the child. In an open adoption you work out a system that works for you and the birth parents where and when they see them. In the system your referring to I can see why a closed adoption would be good though. I mean if they just gave up their rights like that... it says something about them.... anywho, so thats the jist of that. -
-
Unsu...
Re: Why not just have your own?
Thu, September 29, 2005 - 10:11 AMI want to be clear that I have no problems with my future children having contact with their birth parents, knowing about them, learning about them, etc as much as is appropriate given the circumstances. I think it's essential to adopted children to have opportunities to know/know about their birth parents. I myself have never known my father but my mother always, my whole life told me if I ever wanted to know anything or have help contacting him she would help me.
I simply don't want the birth parents to have any possibility of trying to regain custody. I think our court system values keeping birth families together over putting children in healthy environments. My partner has worked in group homes and now in a counseling agency and sees a lot of this first hand. I know that I could never handle a custody battle emotionally, and having a child in my home and then losing them would destroy me. And that's just me, not to mention the damage it does to the child. -
-
Re: Why not just have your own?
Thu, September 29, 2005 - 10:16 AMI'm not sure about how it works in the Foster Care/Adoption State system, but once an Adoption is finalized, as long as it was done legally, there is almost no chance of that.
I'm a birth mother, and there are almost no circumstances that would allow me to fight for custody since my relinquishment papers were completed and filed with the State.
More importantly, I'd need some sort of labotomy to even consider it. When you're talking about women who have volentarily placed their children, they don't usually change their minds. The Adoption agency I went through said that in her 45 years of operating, she had one adoption reversed, and it was an extrememly unusual situation.
Now if you go through the state, I do understand that you're dealing with people who aren't necessarily placing their children in adoption volentarily, and I suppose that would be a whole other ball of wax.
Anyway, just a couple of thoughts,
~smile~
Meredith
-
Re: Why not just have your own?
Fri, September 30, 2005 - 7:50 PMMy wife and I are doing the Foster to Adopt program with Riverside County, CA, DPSS. I'm not worried about the parents getting the child back after the adoption is finalized. If the child is returned to the parents before it is finalized, then I'll have atleast provided a good home for the child for a time. I used to worry about it all, and now I just let it all my worriesl go, and leave it in Gods hands. I can't contol it, I have to do my part for the child. I just want to focus on being a good father.
-
State Laws
Fri, September 30, 2005 - 11:29 PMI can understand your worry and I'd feel the same way. However being a birth mother I know that there is absolutely no way that I could get my son back. As Meredith said in a volentary (sp?) adoption theres pretty much a nil chance of the parents changing their minds. The only thing to be sure of is how your particular state has for birth parent rights and adoption. I know that here in Oregon I was able to place my son into a good home without having to have the birth father to sign anything. And even though he didn't sign anything, here in Oregon, it doesn't matter and he still loses any rights to our son once the adoption is finalized. So I'd highly recommend looking into your states laws.
-
-
-
-
